I was recently faced with a dilemma that had been nagging at me for months. How to confide in someone, something that was personal.

A woman who I shall refer to as Karry, had been attending a meeting that I had been facilitating for some time. The focus of the meeting was a forum for those in a job search.  Many had been out of work for for months and were carrying that deer-in-the-headlights look.  For some their resources were running out, mortgages were on the brink. Most had been working hard to somehow get an interview, and get hired or just get recognized with their resumes and applications. Let me say, the purpose of our meeting group was to ‘graduate’ from the group. Aka… get a job.

Karry was there at the first meeting, and throughout the six months or so, was a regular. The group conversations were always focused on some segment of the job search. Conversation was always lively, supportive and harvested great information for all to take home and use.

Well, members came and went as they joined and then graduated and left.  All but Karry. From the beginning it was clear there was an attitude that was not really, terribly bad, but carried an air of defeatism, a victim profile. She oozed of sarcasm when we discussed ways to approach companies. After all she had been at it for a long time with little success.

As the meetings came and went, and members took the suggestions, tips and advice with a dose of humility, they found jobs.  All but Karry.

I had run out of suggestions for her. It seemed that any advice that I or anyone else came up with was stunted with a reply dripping with sarcastic notion of something like – “I’ve tried that it hasn’t worked.”

I knew it was the attitude, the sarcasm and in an open forum I didn’t have the measure of how it would go over if I confronted Karry with the truth. Meeting after meeting I just let it go.  Until the last meeting.

We had a rather small group, very conducive to open candid dialogue.

We got around to Karry, and again she was lamenting that nothing worked as usual. As she was talking I could see the others were feeling her pain.  We all knew she was getting to the end of her rope. I could see that everyone in the group knew her problem – attitude.  They knew she was trying her hardest, but the attitude was a horrible smear on her persona. Just then, one of the other members looked at me, and as clearly and forthright as she could be, she asked: “Got any suggestions for Karry, Chet?”

This was it. I couldn’t pass any longer. Everyone was looking at me, the silence was deafening. Karry was looking at me, mouth slightly open, not a rustle of paper, only my heartbeat could I hear and feel.

I looked at Karry. And after giving it thought I went in the back door.  “Do you have a mentor?” I asked.

Again the silence was hollow and long. Karry looked at me, in total surprise, anguish. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t look away from my question. I felt her struggling for words.

“No,” she said as she looked at her pad in front of her and made a doodle. For the first time I knew Karry better. In that instant I felt for her like I had never felt for her before.  She knew her problem.  She knew she needed an attitude overhaul. She was a caring person, a capable employee, someone who would do a good job for a company. But her attitude wasn’t resonating past sour.

I asked again. “Do you have any friends?” The second I asked the question I knew it was unnecessary. She knew where I was headed and didn’t have an answer. I felt crushed.  The lady sitting next to Karry, who had asked me if I had any suggestion for Karry. Simply, pulled a card from her wallet and pushed it over to Karry.  “Call me,” she said. We were all saved in that conference room by that simple  little gesture by someone who had never met Karry until that night.

This is a lesson. A lesson for all of us. We can’t get out of this thing called life alone. The job search is a hard process; it eats away at our fiber. Having someone we can lean on, someone to  tell us we have “bad breath” is such a necessary resource.

If you’re going it alone, don’t.  Start looking for someone you can lean on and in turn someone you can support yourself.

And finally, if you even suspect that your attitude is half full and preventing you from reaching your full potential, challenge your friends, mentors, family or soon to be friend to look you in the eyes and level with you. And if you know them well, and you can see they are just being nice, just remind them that this is important to your well being and insist that they be truthful with you.

And Karry, put a smile on that face, straighten your back and I’m guessing your  persistence will pay off.

Good hunting and keep your chin up, everyone.

Chet

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